


anaphylaxis

by legendofkuvira (jephaway)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Author is Drunk, Character Study, Freeform, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Inner Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 01:39:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11544747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jephaway/pseuds/legendofkuvira
Summary: "Because I'm afraid no one else will have me."It is the shadow hanging over his life.





	anaphylaxis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hops](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hops/gifts).



> this is me drunk riffing on one of the heaviest things justin mcelroy has ever dropped on me
> 
> thanks to hops/maegnus for encouraging me to post this, even if it's a little bit off-center from what ppl normally post on here.
> 
> hope ya like it

_Because I’m afraid no one else will have me._

It bounces around in the empty spaces between his bones. Rattling his ribs until he’s short of breath and squeezing his vocal chords so that he cannot speak.

When he looks at his friends, it sometimes sparks a fight or flight. _They’ll leave you soon enough._ When they laugh and joke, it’s a dull pressure against his heart. Joy suppressed by the fear of absence. Magnus and Merle ask why the long face, and he offers a witty one liner, and they laugh. Typical, stupid, idiot wizard.

The stupid idiot wizard who spent his whole life alone. The one who can’t do anything right, can’t stay in one place too long, can’t let other people know he cares. The one who killed a whole town, who should have been the first one to taste the recipe, who should have left Sazed long before they ever got to Glamour Springs.

That feeling of _I’m afraid no one else will have me_ solidifies into a thick black tar, coating his insides as they descend into Wonderland. Within the walls of the hellish games, it feels like lead. What use is a wizard who can’t stay alive? What use is a wizard at all? They don’t think he’s a simple idiot anymore. They aren’t the people that they were before they left Wave Echo Cave, before Gundren blew up Phandalin, before the Bureau. But still, he can’t help but feel that fear thrumming with every labored breath they take through that cursed place.

Even so. He launches his soul from his body and reaches for Magnus with arms outstretched. _I’m afraid no one else will have me_. If anyone will have him, it would be Magnus. It would be Merle. It would be mornings of instant coffee, days of training, nights of party games and companionship. It would be Angus and Saturday afternoons spent baking cookies and practicing spells. It would be witty exchanges with the Director, and lunch with Carey and Killian, and conning Garfield out of priceless weapons. It would be the Bureau of Balance.

Maybe it’s not _No one else will have me_. Maybe it’s _I don’t need anyone else_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he drinks the ichor and levels his staff at Lucretia, that feeling creeps up his throat and spills out of his mouth in descending order. It pounds against his temples and his ribs and his fingertips. The same feeling with a new name.

_Lup Lup Lup Lup._

_You fucking took everything from me_.

A hundred years of a tight knit family and a hundred years of dust. _Who is she to take her from you?_

Sand between his toes.

The world spins. _Why are you fighting?_ Why does he care?

Angus brushes up against his side. Angus is thrown across the room. That feeling rattles, it shakes, and it bursts from his staff with every spell. He would rather no one have him.

And then the fireball.

And then the staff breaks.

And then

 

 _Lup_.

 

And that feeling, that voice inside his head, quiets. The tar dries up and leaves blood and tissues in its place and for the first time since _Back soon_ , he feels like the final piece of the puzzle has been snapped into place. For the first time in over ten years, he no longer feels vulnerable. He is no longer the person who ran from Glamour Springs. He’s not the simple idiot wizard. He’s not afraid that no one else will have him because he knows it’s not true.

For the first time in over ten years, he feels like Taako again.  


End file.
